爆笑英语冷笑话9篇

　　下面是学习啦小编整理的爆笑英语冷笑话，希望对大家有帮助。

　　爆笑英语冷笑话：

　　How much English can you speak?

　　"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to

学习啦在线学习网 　　be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his

学习啦在线学习网 　　way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

学习啦在线学习网 　　The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

　　The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

　　"法官先生，我的当事人被指控偷窃，这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约，几乎不认路。

　　而且，他只会说几个英语单词。"

　　法官看了看被告，问道："你会说多少英文?"

学习啦在线学习网 　　被告抬起头，说："把你的钱包给我!"

　　爆笑英语冷笑话：

　　Do You Know Santa's True Profession?

学习啦在线学习网 　　Consider the following:

　　1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."

　　2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.

　　3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.

学习啦在线学习网 　　4. Santa doesn't work a 40-hour week.

　　5. Santa travels a lot.

　　Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

学习啦在线学习网 　　圣诞老人的真实职业是什么?

　　考虑以下几点

　　1. 你其实从来没见过圣诞老人，你看见的都是他得助手(他得助手真的好多，除了过圣诞节的所有父母外，还有职业“圣诞老人”)

　　2. 圣诞老人不想退休，就可以一直当他的圣诞老人。

　　3. 圣诞老人不会做实事，他都是指挥一堆帮手帮他做完所有的事情，但是事情做得好还是不好，功绩和责任都算圣诞老人的。

学习啦在线学习网 　　4. 圣诞老人实行的可不是朝九晚五双休制。

　　5. 圣诞老人经常旅行

学习啦在线学习网 　　圣诞老人显然是一个高级职员(please, 这世界上还有比他的工作更好的工作吗?)

　　爆笑英语冷笑话：

学习啦在线学习网 　　I've Just Bitten My Tongue

学习啦在线学习网 　　"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.

　　"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"

学习啦在线学习网 　　"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

　　Notes:

　　(1) poisonous adj.有毒的

　　(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。

　　我刚咬破自己的舌头

　　“我们有毒吗?”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。

　　“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么?”

　　“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”

　　爆笑英语冷笑话：

学习啦在线学习网 　　In class the teacher showed pictures of various birds. Then he asked one of the students, "What kind of bird do you like best, Jack?"

　　Jack thought a moment, then answered, "Fried chicken, sir."

　　老师在课堂上向学生们展示了各种各样的鸟的照片。然后他问其中一名学生，“杰克，你最喜欢哪种鸟儿啊?”

学习啦在线学习网 　　杰克想了想，回答，“炸鸡，老师。”

　　爆笑英语冷笑话：

　　A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. Well, sit down and eat your tea, said his mother. Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it.

学习啦在线学习网 　　Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.

学习啦在线学习网 　　That's because it's empty, said his bright son. You'd be all right if you had something in it.

学习啦在线学习网 　　一个男孩放学回家时，觉得肚子痛。来，坐下，吃点点心，妈妈说，你肚子痛是因为肚子是空的。吃点东西就会好的。

　　一会儿，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，说是头痛。

学习啦在线学习网 　　你头痛是因为你的脑袋是空的，他那聪明的儿子说，里面装点东西，就会好的。

　　爆笑英语冷笑话：

　　I Have His Ear in My Pocket

　　Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"

　　"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.

学习啦在线学习网 　　"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

　　"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

学习啦在线学习网 　　他的耳朵在我衣兜里

　　伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事?”

　　“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。

学习啦在线学习网 　　“再见到他你能认出来吗?”妈妈问。

学习啦在线学习网 　　“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

　　爆笑英语冷笑话：

　　Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.

学习啦在线学习网 　　The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, "Now here's a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman."

学习啦在线学习网 　　"Like a gentleman?" Dick asked. "How do gentlemen do it?"

学习啦在线学习网 　　"They always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered his aunt at once.

　　"Oh" said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,"Cut this cake in half, Catherine.".

　　迪克年龄七岁，他的妹妹凯瑟琳五岁。一天，妈妈把他们带到姨妈家去玩，自己就到大城市去买些新的衣服。

　　孩子们玩了个把小时，在四点半的时候，姨妈领着迪克走进了厨房。她交给迪克一块精美的蛋糕学习啦在线学习网和一把刀子，并对他说：“喏，迪克，给你刀子，把这块蛋糕一切为二，给你妹妹一块。不过，你得记住要做得像一个绅士那样。”

　　迪克问：“像一个绅士?绅士怎样做呢?”

学习啦在线学习网 　　他姨妈马上回答说：“绅士总是把大的一块让给别人的。”

　　迪克说了一声“噢”。他对此想了一会，然后，他把蛋糕拿给妹妹，并对她说：“凯瑟琳，你来把这块蛋糕一切为二吧。”

　　爆笑英语冷笑话：Goldfish 金鱼

学习啦在线学习网 　　Stan: I won 92 goldfish.

学习啦在线学习网 　　斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。

　　Fred: Where are you going to keep them?

　　弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们?

　　Stan: In the bathroom.

　　斯丹：浴室。

　　Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?

　　弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办?

　　Stan: Blindfold(蒙眼睛) them!

　　斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛!

　　爆笑英语冷笑话：I am acting like a lady 我要表现得像一位女士

　　One day women's dresses were on sale at a department store. A dignified middle-aged man decided to pick a dress for his wife, but soon he found himself being battered by frantic women.

　　一天，一家百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给他的太太挑选一件女装。但是，没过多久，他就发现自己已被疯狂的女人们撞得踉踉跄跄。

　　He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowd.

学习啦在线学习网 　　他竭力地忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥舞双臂，挤过人群。

　　"You there!" challenged a thrilling voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"

学习啦在线学习网 　　“你干嘛?”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得像一位绅士吗?”

　　"Listen," he said. "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."

学习啦在线学习网 　　“听着，”他说。“我已经像绅士一样表现了一个小时了。从现在起，我要表现得像一位女士。”